The Battle for Christmas: Which Christmas character would win an MMA Grand Prix?

Christmas is the very best time of yr, not due to the household or the kindness or the yuletide cheer, however as a result of yearly, Christmas brings with it one factor: freedom. For kids, it’s freedom from college, for adults, freedom from work, and for us right here at MMA Combating, it’s the liberty to put in writing about practically something we wish.

No main MMA is going on over the following few weeks, which opens up the door for some extra enjoyable endeavors. Final yr, that meant an 8,000-word quick story about Willy Wonka instructing classes to 5 MMA luminaries (which I imagine is the very best factor I’ve ever written). This yr, we’re going barely extra conventional (solely barely).

A superb individual by the title of Eli requested me a query lately, and it might be the very best query I’ve ever obtained:

“Who would win a Satisfaction-style event between all of the Christmas characters? I’d think about it’d be a toss-up between Santa and the Abominable Snowman, however I’d prefer to assume Frosty would carry a Derrick Lewis-like power to the battle.”

So, with no fights on the horizon for fairly a while, how about we entertain a couple of fictional fights and reply this query, besides with one main change: Satisfaction Grand Prix had been at all times 16-person occasions. There are FAR too many vital Christmas characters to solely do a 16-team bracket. Let’s double it up and do 32 Christmas figures as a substitute.

However who to incorporate, and what precisely constitutes a Christmas character? Clearly, Santa Claus and Rudolph and Frosty are Christmas characters, however what about Jack Skelllington? Is he Christmas or Halloween? And, after all, there’s the unending debate about whether or not Die Arduous counts as a Christmas film.

So I made an govt resolution: any character who’s in a film, TV present, music, business, poem, or e-book that options Christmas is up for grabs (so sure, Die Arduous counts, and sure, Jack Skellington is in).

I then chosen our 32 combatants and broke them up into 4 areas: Elemental, Villain, Anthropomorphic, and Common Human Being. I then seeded the eight characters in every area, arrange the bracket, and now it’s time to do our very personal December Insanity.

Let’s ring these silver bells and get it on!

Spherical of 32

Elemental Area

Santa Claus vs. Snow Miser

An epic battle to kick issues off, Santa is, after all, the No. 1 total seed for this complete event, however he attracts a tough opening matchup in opposition to Mr. Icicle, Mr. Ten Beneath himself. In any case, Snow Miser is a huge ice elemental with the facility to show something he touches to snow. That’s a reasonably highly effective man.

Sadly for Snow Miser, the UFC doesn’t maintain occasions outdoors, and as he says in his personal music, “I by no means wish to know a day that’s over 40 levels.” Nicely, the T-Cell Enviornment in Las Vegas is often a tad hotter than that, and that’s greater than sufficient for Santa to dominate. Nonetheless, I feel we will all agree that Snow Miser’s walkout could be sensational. The man likes to placed on a present.

Santa Claus def. Snow Miser through TKO (melting), R1.

Jack Frost vs. Jack Skellington

It’s a Jack-off right here within the opening spherical!

Jack Frost is an attention-grabbing fighter as a result of, relying in your supply, he’s some mixture of Outdated Man Winter and Puck from A Midsummer Evening’s Dream. Trickster demigods are at all times a tricky out, however he’s bought a tough battle as he faces his fellow Jack as a result of Skellington is the residing personification of Halloween and a mythological equal to St. Nick.

If this battle had been to happen in Halloweentown or throughout Halloween, Frost stands no likelihood; that might be like fist-fighting a shark in the midst of the ocean. However within the octagon, issues get just a little extra even. Sadly for Frost, they don’t get even sufficient, as Skellington continues to be a massively highly effective mythological character who’s constructed for MMA. The Pumpkin King has an impressively lengthy attain that he can use on the ft, and people lengthy arms make him a harmful submission menace always. Plus, he’s impervious to hurt. Skellington can take off his personal head for a joke, so what likelihood does just a little Winter chill stand?

Skellington def. Jack Frost through Submission (Bermuda triangle choke), R2.

Ghost of Christmas Current vs. Krampus

Typically with tournaments like this, you want a play-in recreation. That’s what we did for the Ghosts of Christmas Previous, Current, and But To Come. The three of them had a king of the hill to find out who would characterize their pursuits, and, unsurprisingly, Current gained the day. In any case, he’s a jolly big, whereas Previous is ephemeral, and But to Come is extraordinarily intimidating however in the end impotent in coping with present issues.

Krampus, in the meantime, is St. Nick’s right-hand man, however with a imply streak. In any case, simply think about your brother does nothing however give out presents to kids, and also you as a substitute determine at hand out birch rods as punishment.

Anyone who has the inner make-up to punish kids has the mandatory meanness to achieve the octagon. The Ghost of Christmas Current is just too jovial and too caught up within the second, and Krampus makes him pay.

Krampus def. The Ghost of Christmas Current through KO (horn smash), R2.

Mrs. Claus vs. Warmth Miser

Powerful opening matchup for Mrs. Claus. Whereas her husband was well-suited to deal with Snow Miser, Mrs. Claus doesn’t have the identical skillset. Nonetheless, Mrs. Claus does have a specific set of abilities which might be an enormous benefit right here.

Sure, Warmth Miser is Mr. Warmth Blister, Mister 101, however you understand what else he’s? A mama’s boy. In The 12 months And not using a Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus dealt with Mr. Inexperienced Christmas by having a phrase along with his mother, Mom Nature, and he or she laid down the legislation. Do you assume Warmth Miser goes to threat his mom’s wrath by beating up Mom Christmas? Not a snowball’s likelihood in his home.

Mrs. Claus def. Warmth Miser through forfeit.

Villain Area

The Grinch vs. The Mouse King

The No. 1 seed within the Villain Group, The Grinch has designs on stealing this entire factor. He’s not the largest or the quickest, however he is artful, and as we all know, the person (factor? who?) has miles and miles of coronary heart.

The Mouse King, contrastingly, has neither cleverness nor coronary heart. He’s mainly the precise reverse of Jerry. However whereas the Mouse King could also be formidable along with his military of mice, he doesn’t have these right here within the octagon. And if Clara throwing a shoe at him can distract him lengthy sufficient for the Nutcracker to defeat him, I’ve to imagine The Grinch can discover a option to get the Mouse King chasing after his personal tail.

The Grinch def. The Mouse King through Unanimous Choice.

Mr. Potter vs. Hans Gruber

Mr. Potter is presumably probably the most actually evil individual on this complete Grand Prix. He’s a duplicitous, scummy, slum lord with no redeeming qualities who actively tries to get a person to commit suicide. And whereas that type of vile remorselessness would typically imply he’s well-suited to MMA, he’s additionally a decrepit previous man.

Hans Gruber, to place it bluntly, is just not. Like Potter, Gruber can also be abjectly evil, however not like Potter, he’s exceedingly succesful. In any case, one doesn’t simply take over Nakatomi Towers. Furthermore, whereas different characters may really feel some reticence to wail on an previous man like Potter, Gruber gained’t hesitate in any respect. That is probably the most lopsided battle of the opening spherical.

Hans Gruber def. Mr. Potter through KO (flying knee), R1

Harry & Marv vs. Bumble, the Abominable Snowmonster of the North

You’re in all probability considering to your self, “That is an MMA battle, you’ll be able to’t have two folks!” Usually, you’d be proper, however you’re forgetting that that is the Villain area. The Moist/Sticky Bandits don’t play by the foundations.

Thankfully for Bumble, they’re additionally incompetent buffoons. These are two grown males who bought spun in circles by an eight-year-old twice! Now, the Abominable Snowman isn’t the brightest bulb, however he’s nonetheless a Bigfoot, and whereas Harry and Marv are undeniably robust, they aren’t prepared for this yeti.

Bumble the Abominable Snowman def. Harry and Marv through dominant Unanimous Choice.

Ebenezer Scrooge vs. Scut Farkus

For many of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge is a bitter previous man who hates practically all the things. Nonetheless, one of many issues we do know he can do is bully children round. Scut Farkus could have been the phobia of Warren G. Harding Elementary, however he additionally bought whomped by a child half his measurement. Scrooge has this one within the bag.

Ebenezer Scrooge def. Scut Farkus through Verbal Submission to Strikes, R2

Anthropomorphic Character Area

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer vs. Dominick the Donkey

This can be a traditional matchup of an elite man taking over any person who is rather like him, solely worse in each aspect. Rudolph is an icon for a purpose, and whereas we will all admire what Dominick the Donkey does for the kids of Italy, this isn’t the regional circuit anymore. That is the very best on this planet we’re speaking about and Dominick is just out-classed.

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer def. Dominick the Donkey through TKO (antler smash), R3.

Coca-Cola Polar Bear vs. Cindy Lou Who

Not solely are the Coca-Cola Polar Bears friggin’ polar bears, they’re polar bears which might be hopped up on sugar and caffeine. Now, is that an incredible long-term hydration technique? No, no it’s not. However Cindy Lou Who’s going to get swatted out of the cage earlier than whichever bear competes has had time to sugar crash.

The Coca-Cola Polar Bear def. Cindy Lou Who through KO (mauling), R1.

The Nutcracker vs. Six Geese-A-Laying

Everyone knows who The Nutcracker is. He’s a standup man, possibly just a little fancy, however he doesn’t thoughts placing within the work. Salt of the Earth. However have you ever ever met a goose?

Geese are fairly presumably the meanest creatures God ever strung a intestine by means of. And a mom goose with contemporary eggs? Whoa, buddy, I’d moderately tussle with an irate rattlesnake. And that is six of these suckers, too. As quickly because the cage door closes, the Nutcracker can be beset on all sides by a blur of feathers, beaks, and ache. My man wanted Clara to throw a shoe to bail him out of a battle with mice; the geese are going to batter him.

Six Geese-A-Laying def. The Nutcracker through TKO (damaged jaw), R2.

Frosty the Snowman vs. Max the Canine

Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, glad soul. That’s not precisely the type of begin we wish when speaking a couple of cage-fighting event. Neither is a button nostril, I imply, discuss a goal.

However that’s not Frosty’s greatest problem right here. His greatest drawback is that whereas Max the Canine isn’t a violent creature by nature, he’s a canine, and canine are the pure enemy of snow. Poor Frosty can be in a puddle very quickly, and actually, that’s a horrible option to go.

Max the Canine def. Frosty the Snowman through TKO (yellow snow), R1

Common Human Area

Buddy the Elf vs. Tiny Tim

In each sports activities bracket, there’s a one-seed that appears beatable; Buddy is that for this one. No disrespect to the star of Elf, however this isn’t a snowball battle. Buddy has some abilities however not a ton of fight abilities. Thankfully, he’s matched up in opposition to a sickly youngster within the first spherical.

Look, all of us respect Tiny Tim’s moxie, and we want him nothing however the very best, nevertheless it’s not clear why he even agreed to participate on this Grand Prix or how he was medically cleared to compete. Nonetheless, right here he’s, and not less than he gained’t get damage too badly as Buddy is a delicate soul.

Buddy the Elf def. Tiny Tim through Cut up Choice the place Buddy by accident hurts Tim by frolicking too exhausting collectively.

George Bailey vs. John McClane

Poor George Bailey. He was simply beginning to understand that It’s a Great Life and now that life may finish. Bailey is an efficient, first rate individual, however he’s bought a variety of give up in him, and John McClane completely doesn’t. This can be a bloodbath.

John McClane def. George Bailey through TKO (beatdown), R1.

Ralphie Parker vs. Howard Langston

Speak about a matchup of men who need it. Did you see Ralphie Parker wallop Farkus in A Christmas Story? Child is twice his measurement and he took it took him. We like to see that type of chutzpah. Besides on this occasion.

Apart from being Arnold Schwarzenegger, he’s additionally Turbo Man and goes throughout Hell’s Half Acre to return by means of for his child. Ralphie is a child, however he’s not Langston’s child, and we noticed how he handled Sinbad in Jingle All of the Manner. Langston isn’t letting Ralphie win. The boy has coronary heart, however this can be a matter of physics.

Howard Langston def. Ralphie Parker through KO (Turbo Punch), R1.

Kevin McCallister vs. Yukon Cornelius

At eight years previous, Kevin McCallister not solely survived for every week on his personal, he turned his dad or mum’s dwelling right into a Noticed-esque loss of life entice to defend it in opposition to hardened criminals. Then he did it once more with a random brownstone in New York! This child is Hannibal from the A-Workforce; you give him sufficient prep time, and he’s unbeatable.

Credit score to Yukon Cornelius for besting Bumble the Abominable Snowman, however he’s by no means tangled with this twisted little eight-year-old. McCallister is a darkish horse to win the entire thing.

Kevin McCallister def. Yukon Cornelius through Verbal Submission (unlawful strikes that the ref simply let occur), R3.

Spherical of 16

Elemental Area

Santa Claus vs. Jack Skellington

I feel all of us anticipate Santa making a deep run on this Grand Prix, however he’s not getting any sugar-cookie matchups. In The Nightmare Earlier than Christmas, we noticed Skellington orchestrate Santa’s kidnapping, so we all know he’s able to pulling a quick one on Father Christmas.

That being stated, issues are completely different this time round. Père Noël isn’t going to be caught unaware, and whereas Skellington was artful sufficient to outmaneuver Oogie Boogie, Santa’s bag isn’t only for toys, he’s bought an terrible lot of tips in there as nicely.

Santa Claus def. Jack Skellington through Cut up Choice

Krampus vs. Mrs. Claus

This proper here’s a story as previous as time: in-laws feuding. After dispatching Skellington, Santa now has to observe his brother and his spouse do battle, understanding he should face the winner. Which is best for St. Nick? He doesn’t need his spouse to lose, however might he actually battle her if he needed to?

We’ll by no means know as a result of Krampus takes her down. Mrs. Claus is simply about 175 years previous, whereas Krampus has presumably been round for millennia. That’s an enormous edge in expertise for the previous winter god.

Krampus def. Mrs. Claus through Unanimous Choice

Villain Area

The Grinch vs. Hans Gruber

One of many issues that occurs to all fighters as they age is that they lose their edge. It’s exhausting to remain motivated for years on finish, particularly as you mature, and sadly for The Grinch, that’s what’s occurred right here.

Just a few years in the past, when The Grinch was in peak hating type, he would have been nigh unstoppable. In any case, the man stole a vacation! That’s far more spectacular than merely stealing cash like Gruber tried (and failed) to do. But it surely’s not a couple of years in the past. The Grinch made peace with The Whos, and now he’s all kumbaya. That’s not the right mentality for a fistfight in opposition to a authentic psychopath.

Hans Gruber def. The Grinch through TKO (slam), R1

Bumble, the Abominable Snowman vs. Ebenezer Scrooge

On paper, this ought to be a complete mismatch. Scrooge is nicely previous his prime and the Abominable Snowman is a freaking sasquatch. However that’s why we battle the fights, children!

Sure, Bumble has a large bodily benefit, however he’s not precisely probably the most intelligent creature strolling the Earth, and Scrooge has near-limitless sources because of his wealth. Ebenezer brings Yukon Cornelius into his camp to arrange and pulls off the huge upset.

Ebenezer Scrooge def. Bumble, the Abominable Snowman through TKO (physician stoppage because of Robert Whittaker-esque tooth damage).

Anthropomorphic Area

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer vs. Coca-Cola Polar Bear

Based on the World Wildlife Basis, polar bears are pure predators of reindeer, so this can be a fairly robust draw for Ruddy. As such, when the Jingle Bells ring to start out this spherical, the Coca-Cola Polar Bear comes out aggressive and assured. Some may say too assured.

There’s a reasonably large distinction between Rudolph and any previous reindeer as a result of Santa’s No. 1 reindeer also can fly. Wild reindeer would fare quite a bit higher in opposition to polar bears if that they had the reward of levitation at their disposal, and Rudolph makes use of that, plus his blinding nostril to evade and disorient the Coca-Cola Polar Bear. After a couple of minutes of wildly slashing round, the Coca-Cola Polar Bear’s gasoline tank plummets, and Rudolph’s rope-a-dope technique pays off because the Coke mascot is betrayed by his personal Coca-Cola consumption.

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer def. The Coca-Cola Polar Beer through TKO (exhaustion), R3

Six Geese-A-Laying vs. Max the Canine

This can be a bloodbath. Max was lucky with an ideal stylistic matchup within the opening spherical, however he’s woefully ill-equipped to take care of six demonic hell-spawns besieging him. Even for those who gave him his Rudolph antler, it wouldn’t be sufficient of a bonus. He’s pressured to flee from the cage to guard himself, however the Geese chase him throughout the gang and into the again anyway.

Six Geese-A-Laying def. Max the Canine through DQ (leaving the cage)

Common Human Area

Buddy the Elf vs. John McClane

“Hello! I’m Buddy the Elf, what’s your favourite coloration?”

“YIPPEE KI-YAY, MOTHERF*CKER!!!!!!”

John McClane def. Buddy the Elf through unsettlingly brutal KO, R1

Howard Langston vs. Kevin McCallister

As I stated earlier than, I’ve bought a variety of respect for what Howard Langston was prepared to undergo to get his son a Turbo Man doll, however he didn’t undergo the McCallister Home of Horrors. Not like Ralphie, this child’s a straight-up killer who will use each device at his disposal to get the job executed.

Kevin McCallister def. Howard Langston through KO (skateboard within the cage), R1.

Quarterfinals

Santa Claus vs. Krampus (Elemental Area Champ)

One other story as previous as time: two brothers preventing. For Santa, he must avenge his spouse and likewise preserve the established order; for Krampus, that is his likelihood to lastly escape the shadow of his wildly profitable older brother.

However as each little brother is aware of, there are some issues you’ll be able to’t escape. Certain, you may win one from time to time, however the older brother at all times has the psychological edge, and so Krampus falls, as soon as once more, to Father Christmas.

Santa Claus def. Krampus through broad Unanimous Choice

Ebenezer Scrooge vs. Hans Gruber (Villain Area Champ)

Scrooge pulled off an enormous upset final spherical, however that’s to not be within the Regional Finals as a result of whereas he has all the cash he must afford top-of-the-line coaching, so does Gruber. On high of that, someplace deep inside, Scrooge is an efficient individual, whereas Gruber is rotten to the core. In a battle of villains, at all times guess on the extra evil one.

Hans Gruber def. Ebenezer Scrooge through KO (entrance kick), R1

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer vs. Six Geese-A-Laying (Anthropomorphic Area Champ)

Rudolph scraped out a win in a foul matchup final spherical because of a mixture of moxie and magic, however there’s solely a lot you are able to do when confronted with the unmitigated viciousness of geese.

Rudolph’s potential to fly doesn’t imply a factor to The Gaggle, and his shining nostril solely enrages them additional. The Gaggle swarms him, and it’s the identical story as all of the others who fall earlier than this flock.

The rating committee could have given the Six Geese-A-Laying quick shrift as a result of this Cinderella story retains proper on rolling.

Six Geese-A-Laying def. Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer through TKO (beak strikes), R2

Kevin McCallister vs. John McClane (Common Human Area Champ)

That is undeniably the matchup of the quarterfinals and arguably the very best matchup of your entire Grand Prix. We’ve bought John McClane, the good improviser, taking over the very best game-planner within the event. Can McClane make the changes mid-fight to beat McCallister’s preparation?

Sure. Sure he can. John McClane is a person who, when thrown into the center of a terrorist plot throughout a Christmas occasion for his estranged spouse, finds a option to make it work. McCallister units the tone early, however McClane figures out his tips, and halfway by means of the second spherical, it appears like McClane is nicely on his option to victory. Actually, his cornerman, Sgt. Al Powell, even tells him precisely that between rounds because the New York Metropolis police detective has clearly seized management.

BUT WAIT!

The factor about Kevin McCallister is that he at all times has plans within plans. Certain, you may work out a method round his preliminary assault, however there’s at all times one other layer beneath it that you just don’t see coming, and within the remaining spherical, McCallister deploys his biggest tactic: assault the ft.

McClane’s ft have by no means fairly recovered from the shards of damaged glass he suffered in Nakatomi Towers, and if there’s one factor McCallister is aware of the right way to do, it’s jerry-rig some caltrops. McCallister “by accident” spills some ice and makes use of that to take McClane off his ft and out of the sport.

Kevin McCallister def. John McClane through Unanimous Choice

Semifinals

Santa Claus vs. Hans Gruber

In a shocking twist, Santa Claus is the one one-seed nonetheless remaining, however to remain alive, he’s bought to get previous one of many biggest villains of all time, who has demolished all of his competitors this far within the Grand Prix.

Yeah, Santa can do this.

The factor about Huge Pink is he’s a machine. Should you’re a fellow Elemental/God, then not less than you’re competing on the identical phrases. However for as villainous as Hans Gruber is, he’s nonetheless only a man. And a Naughty one at that. A very long time in the past, Santa found out the right way to take care of the Naughty-listers, and Gruber is about to get beat with a stocking stuffed with coal.

Santa Claus def. Hans Gruber vs. KO (coal shellacking), R1.

Kevin McCallister vs. Six Geese-A-Laying

If there’s one factor we’ve discovered on this Grand Prix, it’s that you just by no means underestimate how large of bastards geese are. They’re the worst. But when there’s one other factor we’ve discovered, it’s that Kevin McCallister fears no creature on this Earth. Come hell or excessive water, McCallister goes to face and battle.

And that’s an incredible factor in opposition to The Gaggle as a result of at their core, all geese are bullies. And as Ralphie discovered in A Christmas Story, for those who stand as much as bullies, they have an inclination to again down. So when Kevin doesn’t tuck tail and run on the first goosey flurry, The Gaggle is abruptly at a loss. And as soon as Kevin has you considering, it’s already too late.

Certain, The Gaggle’s flying potential renders McCallister’s caltrops techniques ineffective, however you understand what it could actually’t account for? His BB gun. Kevin distracts referee Herb Dean with a large tarantula that he borrowed from Jalin Turner after which whips out his Pink Ryder Carbine-action 200-shot Vary Mannequin Air Rifle and places six photographs into The Gaggle. Out of the blue, these six geese are a-laying-down and out for the rely, and it’s on to the finals for Mr. McCallister.

Kevin McCallister def. The Six Geese-A-Laying through TKO (eye accidents), R2

Finals

And that brings us to the finals. Jolly Outdated St. Nicholas vs. The Terror of the Chicago Suburbs. The good break-in artist vs. the personification of dwelling safety. That is the ultimate we deserve.

In some ways, McCallister has been getting ready to battle the large man his complete life. In a really actual sense, Kevin now views the octagon as his dwelling, and he has to defend it. So he deploys all his crafty and wiles to show the octagon right into a human Battlebots area. McCallister electrifies the fence, units entice blowtorches to sure cage commercials, and even rigs a sequence of paint canisters from the lighting construction.

However he doesn’t cease there. McCallister breaks out the old-school preventing cheats: greasing himself up, exhausting plaster in his hand wraps, secret juice in his water, coating his gloves in caustic substance so he can blind Santa, the works. McCallister plies the depth of his devious soul to seek out a bonus on this match.

And it’s all for naught.

That is Santa we’re speaking about. You may’t out-think or out-maneuver him. He sees you once you’re sleeping; he is aware of once you’re awake. He is aware of once you’ve been unhealthy or good, and he is aware of precisely what traps you’ve laid for him on this remaining bout. He’s inevitable.

Thankfully for McCallister, although his techniques verge on soiled, Santa additionally understands that he’s simply an eight-year-old boy, and people are his folks, in any case. He gently places Kevin to mattress for an extended winter’s nap, leaving the boy a present for when he wakes up.

Santa Claus def. Kevin McCallister by Submission (sleeper maintain), R1 to change into the undisputed MMA Christmas Character champion!

Truthfully, might it have ended every other method? Thanks for studying, love y’all, and Merry Christmas!